Sometimes, I don't want to write what I'm feeling, sharing it with people, on this blog. But what the heck, this is my blog. These past few days have been really hard. I mistakenly thought it was getting better, the sadness going away but it comes back.

My dad went back to the Philippines for a month to take care of stuff there. I am missing him too. I miss my mom as well. That is more fierce, more gut wrenching. There were nights when I couldn't breathe from the sadness. Although my Christian belief in a reunion someday in heaven is really strong, knowing that I won't see my mom ever again while I live is harder to take. I wonder how other people deal with their grief?

So, I play the Wii. Then, my back starts to hurt. We go play bowling and my back gets worse. Oh well. Even knitting can't hold my attention.

Knitting is therapeutic and it's helping. I've started knitting one of my lace shawls again, part of a Knit Along. It seems like ages ago when I started it. I don't know why but knitting lace is therapy--lol!


SPITZBERGEN is the name, designed by Monika Eckert and her website is HERE.

I've actually knitted more than this but I left my camera at home, so, no new pics.
The Kris Knits washcloth is finished. Finally!

How many days has it been? I've been dreaming about my mom these past 2 nights. My daughter asked me if that's how my mom "speaks" to us. She dreamt about her too.

I'm knitting this one cloth KAL sponsored by Kris Knits and for the life of me, I can't finish it. I'm a pretty fast knitter and one small cloth shouldn't faze me but this one's kicking my butt. I love Kris Knits' designs. Here is her website. She's doing a monthly knit along and they're all free.

We practically moved in to my dad's house. The kids love it. I am thankful that I have a very understanding husband.

Today, the grandkids took my dad to see Avatar in 3D. And he enjoyed himself. He hasn't seen a movie (in a theater) in such a long time. He was so amazed at the 3D thing. And they all shared a huge tub of popcorn. Hubby and I went grocery shopping.

It seems that life is gradually going back to normal. There are still moments when I burst into random tears. The kids and I have been hanging out in my mom and dad's bedroom. It gives us peace, like she's just close by.

I started knitting again. A washcloth this time. Slowly but surely.

Day 3 without mom. We are simply hanging in here, taking it a day at a time. That's all we can do. First viewing is on Friday and I am so not looking forward to it. First time I will see my mom. We are all missing her really bad, specially my dad. These past few days is like being in limbo. Anything can set us off into a crying session. My kids and I and hubby too have been staying with dad, just keeping him company. There are moments when I feel calm and not so sad. There are times when I still talk to my mom like she's just here.

Haven't touched any knitting. They say do something familiar but not yet.

My mom passed away and went to be with our Lord yesterday afternoon, Sunday, Feb 21st at 2:40 pm. No more pain, no more suffering.

At around 2:20 pm, same day, my mother-in-law suffered a massive heart attack, went into a comma and died. We lost 2 moms within 20 minutes of each other.

There are good days and there are bad days. My mom is still experiencing shortness of breath even with small movements, like walking to the bathroom and back. She's now using a wheelchair. Doctors say the the cancer is back and is now in her trachea. This causes her excessive coughing which then leads her to be out of breath. They have put her on oxygen as well which seems to help a lot. I go visit them everyday and I do most of the cooking. My dad does most of the helping. Sometimes, I can't bear to see her being out of breath. Sometimes, I just want to lie down and cry. But I can't let them see me cry, specially mom and dad. Sometimes, it's hard to be strong. Sometimes, I question God. My faith wavers and the doubts arise. Then, He shows me that He's there and that it will be okay. I think I'll go and have a good cry.

KAL

I finished this Girls' Night out sock Knit ALong sponsored by Knitters Brewing company and here are some pics:

Mom is sick and I am so worried. It's hard to write about it. Trying to get my mind on something else, trying to keep my faith strong because that's all I can fall back on. Trying to knit something and maybe finish up some stuff. Just so worried.

I was going to write something about this ugly cardigan sweater but I stopped . It's a knitting pattern by a well known designer. It's asymmetrical, meaning, it's not even. The right side front is longer than the left and the button is placed in such a way that it seems like you matched the wrong buttonhole with the wrong button, or vice versa. The neckline looks like somebody tried to rip it off your body. One sleeve is longer than the other.

It is a really unconventional and rather ugly looking sweater. I will not crochet it. I will not wear it. Well, it goes to say that if I don't make it, then I don't get to wear it, he he he. Anyway, I don't really know why the designer even designed it. what the heck for?

I have this picture in my head of me wearing the darn thing and seeing people pointing at me and laughing their butts off. Some are laughing so hard that they're rolling on the ground, tears streaming down their faces.

Let me know if you want to see it and I will email you the link, privately.

Some pics of inclement weather here in Sacramento:

One minute it was raining and the next, the sun came out followed a few minutes later, by a rainbow.

I now have 2 Gretels. The light pink one is going to Mica, my niece, in Canada.




Crocheted earflap hat and a crocheted beret, both going to Yolo Wool Mill. Yarns used were from the mill.

That's it for now. I'll have more later.

Here is the back view of the Leaflet scarf from Knitspot. I'm using Regia Silk sock yarn, very soft.



Here is to right side view. It's not mindless knitting because you really have to keep track of where you're at. I'm using the graph/chart.



This was going to be a plain beret but I decided to add a little bit of lace to break the monotony. The yarn is Patons Decor, a 70%/30% acrylic wool blend. Another blend I like knitting with is Lionbrand's Wool Ease.

In an effort to help the victims of the earthquake in Haiti, I am supporting p/hop. It stands for pennies per hour of pleasure. They have free patterns donated by generous knitters. Each time you download or knit one of these patterns, you can donate any amount of money which is then used to support Medecins Sans Frontieres, just like doctors without borders. The website can better explain it all. While there, be sure to visit the pattern page. Enjoy.

I am starting a new project (but of course) and I don't care that I still have others unfinished. I will finish them all but right now, I will be knitting THIS. I've been perusing her patterns, scarves, shawls, even socks, mostly lace and finally bought two of her patterns. On this first one, I will use TOFUTSIE. I know it's for socks but it's too soft and I want to use it for this scarf.

THIS is the other pattern I bought. I'll be posting photos as soon as I can.

Some finished items in 2009

This is the Just Enough Ruffles Scarf designed by Laura Chau of Cosmic Pluto Knits. Next time I knit this, I'll use a less scratchy yarn. It was unexpectd that this yarn turned out scratchy. It was by Naturallycaron.com yarn called COUNTRY (75% acrylic 25% merino).



The Feather Shawl by Hand Jive Knits. Darlene's patterns are charted (no written out instructions). Since I used to test knit for her, I am used to her charts but unfortunately, for a beginner, it might be a little confusing. Enlarging her charts will definitely help and I think there are better chart softwares out there that makes it a lot less confusing and more easy to decipher.



Here is the Damson shawl by Ysolda Teague. I am definitely a fan of her designs. Her patterns are written out and charted. The charts are very easy to read, even for a beginner. I own 2 of her booklets. The yarn I used is a handpainted Superwash Merino sock yarn I bought at Lambtown years ago and never used, until last year.


Finally, the Central Park Hoodie, from the Knitting Daily website. I am now joining the 6,000 or so knitters who have knitted this cardi. I'm finding it an easy knit, cables and all. But this will need major blocking or it will be a tight fit. I'm knitting the size 36" one and finding that it might be a bit snug. The next size is a 40" but I could have just added a few stitches more to each side. Oh well.

There are so many things I want to do, to knit, to learn. I want to take the kids to Hawaii. The 2 younger ones haven't been there yet. So, we are going in June.

I want to knit more sweaters. Since I've started knitting, I've probably knitted about 4 or 5 and I want to knit more. I will be knitting the Central Park Hoodie.

I want to learn American Sign Language. hmmm. I should enroll in a class or two at the local college. But first, I'm hunting for yarn from my stash to start knitting my hoodie.

I had this thought for a minute and immediately abandoned it. I know of knitters who keep track of everything they knit in a year. Quilters too. And people who sew ( I don't want to call them sewers, or maybe seamstress?). Anyhoo, they take pictures, keep track of dates started and dates finished, keep a diary maybe, a scrapbook of some sort, patterns used, type of yarn, needles, yada, yada, yada. You know what I mean.

Anyway, oooohhh, that would be wonderful and so organized! hmmmm.

I shudder at the thought. If I had to do that, I will not enjoy knitting anymore. I'd be so obsessed with keeping track of so many stuff that knitting won't be as fun.

Like I said, it entered my mind for a minute. No way, Jose.

I do believe that Jesus is the reason for the season.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

I am listening to books on tape! Books are downloaded from the local library onto my MP3 player. I can knit and work on the computer and listen at the same time. It makes me exercise too. Walking on the treadmill is no longer boring. today, I walked a mile while listening to Carl Hiaasen's "Scat".

Hiaasen is funny! The first book of his that I read was Nature Girl. Actually read it with my own two eyes. Then, Skinny Dip, on tape. Another author I like is Tess Gerritsen. She writes these mystery/suspense books about a female cop and a female coroner. She can sometimes get a little gory. Okay, a lot. I think she used to be a doctor before she started writing.

I wanted to be a doctor too until I started blacking out at the sight of blood. Oh well.

I have this aunt...

My dad came from a big family. He has 3 brothers and 4 sisters. One of the sisters is upset with me. My aunt, this aunt, is different. They all grew up in the Philippines (and so did I) and migrated to the US at different stages of their lives. Some came in the 60s, we came in the 80s, my aunt came just recently, about 4 or so years ago.

She is always helpful and I know she means well. But she has this habit of getting into other people's business without an ounce of tact. I cringe when she opens her mouth.

So, just recently, she mentions that she wants to stay and live with my parents. She mentions it to me and to my mom and dad and to several other people. I know I'm not imagining it. She has kids but I'm not sure if they want her with them or not ( I guess it's "or not").

My mom is getting stressed out over it, and I think my dad too. This is not something my mom needs right now. So, my sister and I emailed our cousins (her kids) and told them no way is that going to happen.

SO, my aunt is upset with me. I can handle that. Just don't stress out my mom and dad.